Saturday, December 30, 2017

The mouse been eating this "poison" all day this little brick was a squared cube and the only difference is they give no fuks now like they don't run from me just look at me say hey wassup why are you doing this to me I feel like shit we been roommates for like 4 months then I read that they shit like 50 little pebbles a day (hour???) And eventually the poop will be green like the poison takes a few days but nope this starving ass Somalian Ratatouille MFer already shittin green 🤢😂


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Monday, December 25, 2017

I can't wait to get back to work, I'm not cut out for just one job

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Saturday, December 16, 2017

As shitty as it sounds I have a skitzo neighbor that nonstop days loudly the worst shit I've ever heard and I wanna record him badly

i really shouldn't be left alone with myself when I'm feeling down
I keep detaching and passing out, mentally and emotionally exhausted..coping skills.. as always I've prepared my whole life for this moment just like the next and last ones
Happy birthday Mom. Let's get a tattoo.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

just another day in the life of me where
i cant be seen without the screen of everyone else before me but I stay true being me just for you

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

FULL CIRCLE

Full circle But maybe it's infinite Discovering new paths that mocks my past delibritely Parallel, paralysis Thoughts becoming cancerous Multiple circles intersecting is blasphemous Full circle I stayed I slayed I observed I prayed I dreamed of escapes I learned from mistakes Heartbreaks. Handshakes. Engramtic thoughts with picture perfect memories Photographic dejavu while we're making history Takes too lifetimes to completely make a list to see that we can only experience and imagine what already exists mentally

SELF MADE * LAKE PAID

\m/

Monday, November 27, 2017

I feel the feels of reality even more fierce
my boredom provoked desire for an escape has just reinfored that im still so bored with life and don't wanna do shit at all not even doing nothing even after I accomplished every goal I thought I had, making more money than ever in my life, home by 10pm Mon thru Friday... Got here and realized it's equally unfulfilling as before. Did I get addicted to the struggle??? Everything seems stupid and pointless and I have no option anymore because I'd be an idiot not to keep on truckin for all I've worked for and it's pretty legit.. So obviously my reality and life are on the same page of a shitty fuckin autobiography with and without alteration.

But is that psychosomatic?????

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Sober seems so hard to do when it fills that hole in you
The older we get- our regrets the shit we choose to live with
Our dreams squashed- giving in to a different life than we thought
Bein sober doesn't fill that hole and I really don't know what does
But being alone does feel great when I'm buzzed

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Signs.. even "Satan" possessing me and taking me back, for a reason? Is it what I think? Am I too putting myself there? Is this why I recreated that moment??? Why would I do that. Why did I?

Monday, November 20, 2017

The happiness I want to share with someone is dwindling away in loneliness

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Something's always felt missing to where I've felt alone with others and now I Mostly stick to myself because it's all the same..but what is it that's been missing?? My whole life..not just now.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Walmart and Kmart both been out of the white t shirts I wear n buy regularly so had to get size bigger twice so like a month and it's really depressing me Makin me feel fatter n uglier than usual

Monday, September 18, 2017

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Monday, September 11, 2017

Monday, September 4, 2017

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Monday, August 21, 2017


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crazy to think that the book that changed my life and has helped me so much I now feel like I can actually question..just like with Dianetics back in 1999-2001. Are these tools only helpful when reclusive? No. They're useful when dealing with humans but definitely not superhumans.
1. Don't take things personal.
2. Be impeccable with your word.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.
These four agreements are amazing to live. Y especially when rejecting past agreements made with the universe... But almost on a superficial level because dealing with the superhumans, and "assuming" they're like minded.. it can definitely be taken personal when not given the chance to both be impeccable with your word or do your best while trying not to make assumptions because nothing is taken personal. Trusting instincts can be equivalent to lying to yourself when the ARC triangle (affinity, reality, communication) is not at 180° which when dealing with anyone other than just self-esteem creates a vulnerability. In that there is a trust; Trust: the willingness to be vulnerable. And when there is affinity, reality, communication (ARC) there is trust. And with that responsibility both give and take, it only makes sense to question the four agreements as far as taking things personal when dynamics change because isn't that safer than making an assumption about another? That would be creating 'personal' and here I am impeccable as always being the best version of myself using the tools that have helped the most.. taking things personal while doing my best and trying to trust my bogart instincts while I self destruct wondering how I got here. Superhuman.

I know God understands.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Bet no one can make fried chicken like my momma did and I know I'll never have it again
Same with her egg sandwiches.
Love makes a difference, main ingredient.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Friday, June 16, 2017

Friday, June 9, 2017

Monday, May 15, 2017

the old me vs. the new me = me

not always tendencies, habits, thought processes, coping skills, triggers, emotions, views..but also and mostly, for me, the old me's actions always catching up to hinder new me. as if i haven't already been through enough self-imposed hardships that somehow i made it thru..making me a stronger wiser person to deal with the ever coming parade of an irresponsible carefree past.

ive always noticed others ways of giving up involves falling back onto their old self..stunting personal growth and using their previous persona as a scapegoat when times her hard. im not planning on doing that...knowing i make better choices in this lifetime that should not ever haunt me and eventually my past mistakes will cease to exist...not to be negative but i am predicting this will happen when i die and maybe that will be living life, full circle.
i am pretty confident that when that time comes i will be ready able capable of any and everything...and maybe that will actually involve "nothing" and knowing myself as well as i do, that will also be unchaotic, boring, unfulfilling..

i try hard I stay positive I am humble I am kind I am loving I am intelligent I am loved I am compassionate I am empathetic and I think life appears alot easier for the ignorant selfish unemotional brain dead sociopaths and sometimes I am envious that my true colors often seem like a weakness more than anything. I am very fortunate and blessed to have so many amazing people in my life which I never had before, I only attracted the opposite and I was fine with that because there was no push or desire or pressure or ever any talk about bettering selves. Being a third through my life now (I'm hoping) has really shown me that I wasted so many years and want to start over..But then I realize I have always felt that way and I have started over many times...And have never officially failed at getting back on my feet for a minute but have never actually "lived" life to its fullest, as much as I have tried, I don't even know what that consists of...or of I'll ever get the opportunity to stop reliving my past mistakes or righting past wrongs..And nowadays not making a bad choice means not making any choice because all I want to do is avoid more hardships which ultimately creates a new, deeper comfort zone that I don't even want and typically reject.

Life is too short and moreso every moment that we're not doing our best... but I think alot of my struggles stem from playing baseball with a football helmet on, writing an autobiography with a pen instead of a pencil and trying to fit the squares into the circle holes. A complete waste of energy. Where does one direct their energy; the 150% they give life that continually returns 5% gratitude? I don't know. Yet.

"It's math" I always say. Life is an equation with different variables trying to find the answer for each unknown. Plug in new variables and compute... And sometimes there is an answer..But it's never absolute.

Maybe it's A thru Z = infinity
But maybe it's 1+1

Li(f)e.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Sunday, May 7, 2017