Tuesday, January 11, 2011

mom |poem|

It's been a year today and all the progress I've made in this world as a slave
to the demands that ive created
as a body on this earth with responsibilities to maintain but things will never be the same since my soul was slain.

My creator, my mother, fell victim to a blunder on the birth day of my sister and
forever i will miss her-
personality and smile, her cooking and denial, her one of a kind style that always made me smile...
If only i did smile more than smirk- the pain and the hurt wouldnt make me go berserk!
Without a rational moment to ask for forgiveness for the past; never knowing which
instance would be last to smile; to hold onto- to never forget...
To have a final chance to open up and live free without regrets- so forever I'll remember
that i never forgave her for being herself and doing her best with the cards that she was dealt
she always told me to dig the well before it went dry- I never listened and so i cry.

Some pain and hurt can only be cured by a mothers love so what do I do to fix this?
i have nowhere to turn and nowhere to go to accept the things that i witnessed...
Living my life to make momma proud is the only way i can get my head out of the clouds
and out of all the things she tried to teach and instill in me the one thing that remains the most real to me
is to do the best of my ability and accept peoples love and love them back with tranquility so when you're missed
it'll be with the happiness of the love that you built and not the torture of regret and feelings of guilt.

I find it hard not to pity, not to feel the pain you feel in your reborn self
you were so independant and strong and i know its now a torturous hell!
If i could take your pain, your misery, your confusion, your struggle- if i could give you what you once gave me...
I would mom- infinite times and i'd never think twice about the sacrafice of my life!

If we could all go back we would change a million things but we can never change what tomorrow will bring!
Open your heart and let the love flow- life's too short to live with the sorrow of regret and neglect and
waiting for another tomorrow to finally make amends to the pain that is sure to follow...
I'm forever thankful for the support and love that helped us get through this gift from above-
we prayed a thousand tears- we cried to god- our family came together like never before
for our mother, wife, and friend that we adored and loved with every ounce of our being!
Thanking god every second for our momma not leaving- praying to god every minute to help us through this grieving...

I try everyday to turn these lemons into lemonade but its still just a pitcher of piss with sugar in it!
It's not always easy to accept what you cannot change, especially when you don't practice preventative maintaince...

I dont want to live my life forcing this reality to the back of my mind, it haunts me every single time
I realize who i am and how i can to be- the way that i think and more than half of my personality!
Momma taught me and raised me right i love you til the end and im never gonna fight
the visions and pain that made me a man that day and every single day ever since with rememberance
of what really matters the most in life; forgiveness.

Life is what what you make it until it's almost taken- if only you could recall the days before your fall!
You always told me to dig the well before it's too late so now i just dig up memories and pain...
I'm not happy you dont remember the things we need to work on to have a better relationship like i always wished we had
I understand you have new priorities now that do not consist of the things you held against yourself-
the things we loved you for that made you our momma that showed your strengths and that you never gave up!
If only you knew that, if only you could have saw yourself through our eyes, my eyes that are now filled with teary
'im sorrys' every time i think of you now and over and over again forever.

People always say that you dont know what you got until its gone but if you listen to your heart it'll tell you that is wrong!
It's not better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all-
you never know when you lost your chance to have a knowing of your love- heartfelt, eternally adored and cherished-
theres no pain worse

youll never know your last chance to dig the well...

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