Sunday, June 15, 2014

never alone

welp. my disillusioned brain my fears.. shit i dont even realize sometimes. . my loneliness on this planet. . thru thick n thin ive actually learned to trust someone. someone that knows me better than myself. she keeps me in check. she loves me for me. american english earth words cannot express the sorrow i have for the pain i put her thru during my hard time.. when i needed someone but couldnt express it.. she knew..she knows.. and shes always been there and always will be. i love you. you are like a better version of myself. im blown away by you still as you grow and show and shine and as much as im honored to be a part of it all.. youll never understand how much i appreciate you being you in my life.. what i always save me from myself. youre the best friend i ever had.. the greatest lover.. no words can express how blessed i am .. youre beautiful inside and out.. ever since the first time i laid eyes on you my soul was on fire.. 6 months down the road now and we have grown soooo close.. ill never let u down. 143

not good enough

i honestly feel like the few things i put my heart n soul into should be golden. my efforts. my sacrifices. my concern. my 100%s. my love. dedication. loyalty. respect. im realizing this is not true. an apple is an orange to some people. im too fragile for deep pain yet too realistic for superficialness. whatever the balance is.. it kills me slowly. why cant there just be ONE exception that understands me loves me appreciates me and values me enough to be there..and stay. if i treat ppl how i wanna be treated why is the outcome the opposite? because of my fragilness. because me being me becomes an easy target to destroy. i just want to create. not destroy.


dunno how to cry out fer help. my attempt backfired making everything worse. i guess i just want n need to b understood as an individual. i tried to put myself out there. maybe ppl arent aware how.important they Are to me. that i have needs. that a new role developed for them.n my life. maybe the addition of me into someones life is too much. unconditional u said..n i tried it out.. didnt work. still learning how to express myself hoping i figure it out before i crumble into pieces. humans are shitting on me right now.. most insignificant but hold power..another most significant & holds my heart. please dont abuse that power. my heart is scared now. it made a vulnerable effort and got smashed. unsmash. keep trying. n then theres fathers day... fathers day and the build up to it is soooo hard for me. ever since 2006. i dread it. im afraid of it. puts my mind n heart into a confused anxiety ridden world of painful chaos guilt & regret that i only know how to run from. i need a helping hand sometimes.. but when i reach out im only grasping thin air.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

#inspiredbypain :/


dunno why exactly but today was sparked by an old familiar feeling i hate..which creates new feelings.. today I have extreme anxiety- physically.. emotionally.. i feel so down..lonely..scared? cant leave the house. its been forever ago since ive felt this way maybe a year and a half...i almost forgot and wish i had.. knowing it came back is troublesome. a reality check i guess.

sometimes i fall off the cloud..sometimes i hover in between. .when feet hit the ground tho- overwhelming feelings of all the negativity i try to hover above hits me. and then im reminded that i forgot to find somewhere to turn..somewhere to go.. i remember that i dont know how to cope. still. just waiting for the night. shining armor. dark. the end of this day. and hopefully some part of me can figure out what triggered this before i awake to relive this agony.


Tuesday, June 10, 2014

practice what you preach



bbqd organic ground beef mixed with sriracha, tortilla chips, cilantro & jalapeno with fried egg, smoked bacon, smoked pepper jack & smoked jalapeno n onions on sourdough with chipotle cream cheese

Sunday, June 1, 2014


so ya.. almost 6 months have passed since i met a human that i was drawn to instantly. . this person is the most motivated, down to earth, intelligent, witty and has inspired me in so many ways to be a better person. luckily for me she is also extremely beautiful and sexy.. affectionate, thoughtful, loving, caring, considerate. . ive never been more attracted to anyone. .ive never had so much in common.. nobody could ever read my mind.. finish my sentences. ..know what im thinking.. cater to my fantasies.. i found a human i am completely compatible with..someone that i can't get enough of.. someone i absolutely cannot resist. . someone who loves me for me.. ya. i have the best best friend ive ever had. i have the love & trust of a woman that i adore who adores me even more. i trust her with my heart & soul. i deserve that. i am the luckiest man alive. she is the exception to every rule..every promise.. and she is the future of me. let me introduce you to someone. .her name is julia but you can call her JEWELZ. the most badass chick/human ive ever known. just don't piss her off <3 \m/ <3 143

the way she looks at me <3

happy faces on toes \m/