Tuesday, September 20, 2016

friends these days

So..I have this friend..we've known each other since I was like 7...30 YEARS!!! And it's been an on and off friendship..mostly due to me living out of the area but also because he's not very tolerable..in the past, intolerable for reasons other than myself, but his interactions and etc with others...narcissistic..preys on females.. etc..so fast fwd to now… We been hanging out Alot..started noticed odd antics w the guy.. Like at restaurants..he switches his order after I order and then orders the same exact thing as me… If i order first,he orders the same thing (imagine Thai food menu) if I let him order first, hell change his order to MINE after i order last.. WTF..this is multiple times/experiments…

OK..so we went outta town to go shopping.. flea market, 85 degrees out.. could noT stop complaining about how hot he was..dying..heat exhaustion..lol..and every single thing he bought- he misplaced at the next vendor..ultimately leaving him w a bag of cherry tomatoes..lol WTF.

Go to the mall..I needed hats and shirts.. he bought the same exact hate and shirt as I did..after putting down what he wanted..and only buying what I buy..fucckkkk...we already have matching shirts for the same reason a couple months ago!! I built a website for a guy that also makes his own shirts..gave me a couple for free to show gratitude..this dude went down and bought two at $20 each, the same two I got for free..two out of ten designs!!!! So the other day, we go to Mexican spot to get benefits to go...he has no money, I bought him a beer to be nice.. we drank beer that nite, I ended up only eating two bites of my huuugggeee burrito...when I take it home the next day, over half is gone..

Just to add a few things…

1- when I have a chick over, he is overly touchy feely w them..flirts..etc lol

2- he accidently everytime insults them/my friends in a personal way

3- tucks me in at night

4-wake up to find my phone moved, tampered with.

5-habitually flirts with every female regardless if their age

6- stares in mirrors nonstop.

7- told me it'd be nice to purposly impregnate a chick so she's stuck and will never leave

8-is the biggest procrastinator ive ever heard of

9- very touchyfeely while in public,makes gay couple references as well..online too

Recent mindfuck ideas of love?

I don't know how to begin this really or what I'm feeling..the last couple of weeks the idea of love has been taunting me.. romantic movies have been making me cry. It's so beautiful. I'm so jealous. I'm 36 years old and have had 4 relationships..2 of them about a year and 2 of them 5-6 years. All with not so great people who secretly did drugs and cheated behind my back. Maybe I am lonely. Maybe I dream of being loved and appreciated for who I am..deeply..like in the movies. I know I'm lovable, I am very understanding , compassionate, loving, respectful, supportive… I've always been a great boyfriend and a husband once. And the older I get the more I reject sluts and want more..been there and done that..and nowadays seems like that's all I find..girls that want FWB relationships..like my entire existence flip-flopped and I've become the woman of my past...and it hurts..and I'm sorry. I know what it feels like to be used now. It's like..the past 5 years have changed me drastically..I finally have everything but it's almost nothing without someone special to share my happiness with. And I'm too honest with myself and self aware to sell myself short..feel desperate..not respect myself, my self worth..I hardly have the balls to talk to pretty girls and they also feel I am unapproachable..I'm not..I'm just a teddy bear hidden inside a tattooed and pierced body. Maybe the last 5 years of my life I have challenged myself, pushed myself..desired more..and this is just part of it..I've been happy single..happy alone.. and the more things come together..the more it feels like something is missing..or someone is missing..my relationships with family, friends, my kids & the universe are amazing.. and what else could be fulfilling that's missing? really this..a female??? Why is my soul yearning..

Friday, September 16, 2016

Tuesday, September 6, 2016