Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Recent mindfuck ideas of love?

I don't know how to begin this really or what I'm feeling..the last couple of weeks the idea of love has been taunting me.. romantic movies have been making me cry. It's so beautiful. I'm so jealous. I'm 36 years old and have had 4 relationships..2 of them about a year and 2 of them 5-6 years. All with not so great people who secretly did drugs and cheated behind my back. Maybe I am lonely. Maybe I dream of being loved and appreciated for who I am..deeply..like in the movies. I know I'm lovable, I am very understanding , compassionate, loving, respectful, supportive… I've always been a great boyfriend and a husband once. And the older I get the more I reject sluts and want more..been there and done that..and nowadays seems like that's all I find..girls that want FWB relationships..like my entire existence flip-flopped and I've become the woman of my past...and it hurts..and I'm sorry. I know what it feels like to be used now. It's like..the past 5 years have changed me drastically..I finally have everything but it's almost nothing without someone special to share my happiness with. And I'm too honest with myself and self aware to sell myself short..feel desperate..not respect myself, my self worth..I hardly have the balls to talk to pretty girls and they also feel I am unapproachable..I'm not..I'm just a teddy bear hidden inside a tattooed and pierced body. Maybe the last 5 years of my life I have challenged myself, pushed myself..desired more..and this is just part of it..I've been happy single..happy alone.. and the more things come together..the more it feels like something is missing..or someone is missing..my relationships with family, friends, my kids & the universe are amazing.. and what else could be fulfilling that's missing? really this..a female??? Why is my soul yearning..

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