Monday, May 15, 2017

the old me vs. the new me = me

not always tendencies, habits, thought processes, coping skills, triggers, emotions, views..but also and mostly, for me, the old me's actions always catching up to hinder new me. as if i haven't already been through enough self-imposed hardships that somehow i made it thru..making me a stronger wiser person to deal with the ever coming parade of an irresponsible carefree past.

ive always noticed others ways of giving up involves falling back onto their old self..stunting personal growth and using their previous persona as a scapegoat when times her hard. im not planning on doing that...knowing i make better choices in this lifetime that should not ever haunt me and eventually my past mistakes will cease to exist...not to be negative but i am predicting this will happen when i die and maybe that will be living life, full circle.
i am pretty confident that when that time comes i will be ready able capable of any and everything...and maybe that will actually involve "nothing" and knowing myself as well as i do, that will also be unchaotic, boring, unfulfilling..

i try hard I stay positive I am humble I am kind I am loving I am intelligent I am loved I am compassionate I am empathetic and I think life appears alot easier for the ignorant selfish unemotional brain dead sociopaths and sometimes I am envious that my true colors often seem like a weakness more than anything. I am very fortunate and blessed to have so many amazing people in my life which I never had before, I only attracted the opposite and I was fine with that because there was no push or desire or pressure or ever any talk about bettering selves. Being a third through my life now (I'm hoping) has really shown me that I wasted so many years and want to start over..But then I realize I have always felt that way and I have started over many times...And have never officially failed at getting back on my feet for a minute but have never actually "lived" life to its fullest, as much as I have tried, I don't even know what that consists of...or of I'll ever get the opportunity to stop reliving my past mistakes or righting past wrongs..And nowadays not making a bad choice means not making any choice because all I want to do is avoid more hardships which ultimately creates a new, deeper comfort zone that I don't even want and typically reject.

Life is too short and moreso every moment that we're not doing our best... but I think alot of my struggles stem from playing baseball with a football helmet on, writing an autobiography with a pen instead of a pencil and trying to fit the squares into the circle holes. A complete waste of energy. Where does one direct their energy; the 150% they give life that continually returns 5% gratitude? I don't know. Yet.

"It's math" I always say. Life is an equation with different variables trying to find the answer for each unknown. Plug in new variables and compute... And sometimes there is an answer..But it's never absolute.

Maybe it's A thru Z = infinity
But maybe it's 1+1


Sunday, May 14, 2017

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Saturday, May 6, 2017