Friday, August 31, 2018


My cat musta sensed my feelings which I didn't, he cuddled and loved me all night.. I woke up from my sleep with extreme anxiety after an awful dream.
I was with my son, in some wierd place like under a freeway overpass, just me and him.. sorta getting things off our chest.. my feelings of frustration missing him and his mom keeping him from me and me assuming his mom's told him I don't try to contact him or don't care..and this strong resentment toward me as I try to explain everything.. and he has my car keys in his hand..and I'm like "come on let's go" and I reach out for the keys he comes toward me then gets an evil scary look and as we get close he stabs me in the forehead with the key with all his might anger pain suffering

And I woke up.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

The Office

I feel like when I run outta The Office episodes to watch I'm gonna feel like what we predicted my mom would feel like when her dog Bobbi died

But that was YEARS ago

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Ya, it hurts. But not as much and in a different way.

Oddly my evolution has inspired me to cut out or "fuck off" or let go of a few people today, why today, I'm not sure, but there's more..
when the good in you transpires into hurt or pain, that's when you stand up for yourself. when being nice always when dealing with humans results in negative, repeatedly.. cut it off. Be nice about it! But be on their level..And for some they "get it" by a lack of reciprocation other only understand "fuck off"
That doesn't make me an asshole. That only put me on thier level momentarily. And that's exactly why this had to happen.


Saturday, August 11, 2018

Was so good. Chicken provolone avacado etc pasilla pepper 💚

be you.

Just be you. The rest is just trying to change for the better which is an internal struggle because it's forced.
It's an act. We're always still us inside no matter what put out.
And what do we really put out? Into the universe.. our thoughts.
So no matter what you think you're doing trying to change your core, you still love with you and your thoughts the rest is for acceptance. Based on what we were taught is "normal"
Normal is just a way to act. Manners. That's wtf those are for. Polite. Have manners and be polite and the world is a breeze. The rest is in you.
So accept that. And inside be you accept you know why you're you trace it back figure it out cuz only then can you move forward..with yourself.. you know yourself now love yourself. Love yourself til it becomes sickening and you're forced to share that love and happiness with someone else, for more growing for gratitude for 'moving forward'
Share it before it's gone.. cuz it does plateau..and from there the stagnance turns to downward spirt... And you start over.. believe me I know..
But we're ever evolving, at first a product of our environment and from there, a product of our own thoughts and ideas.. control these thoughts and ideas to only positive... Only associate with those that are humble positive optimistic..this becomes your new reality.
But we're only ever us..born alone and die alone (I am actually a twin tho lol) we must listen to our heart soul and mind and we must learn to trust this voice because this is how life becomes amazing and awesome. On a positive path trusting that voice (god/you) and finding your purpose and happiness..without stigmas without programming without propaganda without outside sources influence.
Be you.
Born you and die you.
Don't lose yourself in between.
It will end and we already know it's too short..and we've already learned in our heart of hearts what feels good, the best.. and that's what we should spend our lives's all love and happiness, that's what it's all about.
I'm 38 and spent 33 (my favorite number coincidentally) miserable as fuck. I didn't realize it til I wasn't anymore and could reflect. And what changed???
Me. Forcing myself to ha g out with my worst enemy, me. And slowly we became acquaintances..then friends.. than BFFs. And I learned about self worth, self esteem, confidence..and that I never had any. And I created some by having to listen to myself when I had nobody and trust myself. Set goals, conquer them. Be proud. Keep going. Be a good person (manners and politeness) and be a better person to yourself. You're BFFs, don't ever let anyone treat you or make you feel worse than you'd accept from yourself. Be you. Grow.
Be you.

We're all fuckin nuts when we stop comparing ourselves to "normal" ( it's a hoax like the rest of America, a Christian business consumer machine where we're supposed to "follow the American dream" were taught but that's how we get into this mess. It's hogwash. America is a large corporation with many business working for them, all part of the machine. $$$ look at the rest of the world, Eastern Philosophy.. shit, even the rest of the western world Canada Mexico etc are happier people. I'm not trying to be political but be aware of being programmed...............who are you with no stigmas or preconceived notions?? When you're alone with yourself... Only you know and will ever know this..but be you.) And being us, is magical...sadly we don't fit in but sometimes we find each other and connect.. sometimes we have auras. And sadly my life is a whole lotta me hanging out with myself and my cat, and I really can't complain, I created this as my safe place, right?
So maybe I should question this:
Why am I really alone so much?
Is it the lack of connection ability?
Is it the social anxiety?
Is it because I stick to my guns knowing what I yearn for, ultimately...I feel?
Shit plateaues....  Like I said.
To where I gotta keep peeling back layers of myself for myself... Like onions and trees maybe the amount of layers isn't time related..maybe it's negativity. The amount of layers or lifeline's dictates trauma or stress not time, but maybe time is assumed because average amount of negativity/stress is global. At birth, when pure and natural..onion human layers.
Just saying, some of us are different. Lotsa layers but worth it. And the layers only take us back to birth... Who we really are. That "us" has been there since birth. The one we fight the one we have the one most are completely u aware of and probably think it's a psychological disorder, seriously tho 😂😂 but it only makes sense. Be you.
Be you.
Find yourself your true self and be you. Know why embrace it love it and never stop being you. We're all us somewhere inside..and hopefully we can hang out sometime.


Tuesday, August 7, 2018

its still an escape

no matter how you look at it.
its still an escape.. from reality.
even if its to a better place.. or to be numb. or not think. or be mediocre. its still an escape. am I here to escape? i don't think so ??? i think my journey and struggles and studies are to be HWRE in the fullest. so what's there to escape, exactly? why do humans REALLY do this?

Monday, August 6, 2018


do you seek the truth...
or the truth the rationalizes and works for where you decide to stopped growing?

do we spend our life searching and researching and educating and gaining wisdom...while growing old..alone..? Meanwhile ruling out all due to  imperfections while forgetting (honestly) your own?

At what point do people "shut off" the searching.. or did they ever.. and then does it happen?

Like minded people are rare too rare actually and I become disassociated with society.. especially like minded opposite sex (no offense 2018) or are we supposed to coexist with someone based on simple attraction...our animal instinct..what ultimately matters most...??

Psssshhh we don't even know why we're here..our own intelligence creates and make believes things we told ourselves already, we thought it into existence. Our animal instincts tho... Regardless of the mind or third eye... It's all about sex food sleep and being part of a like minded community..our family.. our species..

Over intelligent animals we are. Otherwise I can fill so many voids by allowing one of many females into my life..and I don't because?? My animal instincts could be fulfilled easily.. but how do you shut off the mind and/or third eye to be an animal? And why does it feel like a curse "sometimes"??

Why does my self proclaimed ability to seek True Happiness for myself and others ultimately become my worst enemy?